Self Restraint, Self Destruction
by hpmaniac666
Summary: What happens when you know what you want, but don’t know how to take it. Simon. Kaylee. Jayne. Alcohol. Disaster.


Self Restraint, Self Destruction.

It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but he did it. He gripped her trembling shoulders firmly, pushed her warm body away from his, dragged her soft lips off his own, parted them. Even as he released a soft groan at the sensations she was causing, he stopped her. He had to.

Kaylee's confused eyes blinked open. "Simon…"

"We can't," he told her, slurring slightly. Realising that some of the effectiveness may therefore have been lost, he repeated himself. "We can't," he said more firmly.

Her small, seductive smile had already crept back onto her face, weakening his resolve, but even as she moved in she swayed a little. "Course we can," she cooed, planting a light kiss on his neck.

His eyes fluttering despite themselves, he reclaimed his grip on her shoulders, but didn't move her. Her lips were dancing over his skin, setting him on fire, making his head spin. Or was that the alcohol?

_Oh, right. The alcohol._ Simon forced his eyes back open, basked in the Kaylee-induced ecstasy for a moment longer, before pulling them apart once more. "N…no, we can't," he stammered insistently.

She pouted, running her deft fingers down his chest, flicking over the bare skin revealed by his open collar. He suppressed a moan.

"Why can't we?" she asked softly, sulkily, eyes wide and bright. Stepping towards him once more, she stumbled, and he grabbed her to stop her from falling, from banging her head on her ladder, from anything.

Simon looked at her pointedly, as if she'd answered her own question, but she didn't appear to click, instead using her regained proximity to shift suggestively against him. She smiled as she felt him have the desired reaction, and bracingly, Simon gritted his teeth.

"You're plastered," he told her, gently but firmly. "I'm plastered. The room is spinning right now."

Her fingers were suddenly nestled at the nape of his neck, fingers playing absently with the hair there. Simon closed his eyes, just for a second, wondering how she'd known that had always been a sensitive spot.

"Maybe that's 'cause of me…" she breathed, and her lips were hot against his ear. Her tongue flicked over the lobe and he couldn't stop himself from moaning in contentment.

"Believe me," his said, his voice haggard, "you are having quite an effect, but…"

"I noticed," she teased, cutting him off, and she moved her hips once more against him. The sensation was so overwhelming, that Simon stumbled back, grabbing the ladder, clinging to it like a life line.

"No…" he gasped, not sure what he was saying. "That…that is why we can't do this," he gestured at the three now empty bottles of sake which littered her bed.

"What does that matter?" she asked, and the teasing lilt had left her voice slightly, replaced by impatience.

"It matters!" Simon cried, his voice coming out a few octaves too high. "It… it's not…"

"Not what?" she asked, and for the first time he saw a flash of anger in her eyes. "Not… appropriate?"

Simon bit his lip. "It's not right. It would be… taking advantage."

"Not even," she said, snorting. "So we're both a little drunk, think of it as being on an even footin'"

Simon looked at her, sadly. "No," he said, a sense of finality in his voice.

He thought he saw her cheeks colour a little with embarrassment, and then her lip curled in disgust. To cover it up?

"You don't know what you want," she muttered, turning away.

"That's not true," he snapped. _I want you._

She didn't reply, she was bent over, rummaging in a cupboard for something.

"Kaylee," he said, not wanting to leave with her mad at him, "It… it's not just about… what's right and wrong. It's…"

She turned to face him so fast he wondered how she managed to stay on her feet. "What?" she snarled.

He looked at her for a moment, and found himself actually wondering if he was going to say it. Then he realised she was waiting for an answer.

"I…I care about you, Kaylee," he said, and the words were out of his mouth before he'd had the chance to contemplate them. "I care about you a lot, and I don't want….things to be this way. I want to do things properly… I don't want us to be…this," he finished lamely, gesturing vaguely around them at the debris.

Her eyes blazed. "Properly?"

Simon's head was beginning to pound. "W…what?"

"You want to do things properly? Why? What does it matter? What's wrong with doing things my way, this," she splayed her hands out at the room, "this is who I am!"

"No, it's not," Simon said. "Not really."

She ignored him. "Why you gotta be this way, Simon?"

He sighed. "Because this is who _I_ am."

Kaylee stared at him, her expression stony. "You wanna do things properly, you just missed your chance. Get the hell outta my bunk."

"Kaylee…"

"GET OUT!" she screamed, and Simon backed away.

He was reluctant to leave on these terms, reluctant to leave her like this. But the way she was looking at him scared him, and since she was bound to be more reasonable in the morning, he acquiesced

He noticed, as he disappeared up the ladder, that she had returned to her rummaging, and the small part of his brain not currently drunk or distracted wondered vaguely what she was rummaging for.

Kaylee sat on her bed, angry, horny, and alone. Taking another swig from the whisky bottle she'd found in her cupboard, she considered going to find Simon to yell at him some more. Or to jump him. Both seemed quite appealing.

He infuriated her, and it infuriated her even more that he had such a hold on her. Every time he hurt her, she wondered why the hell she cared so much about him. Surely she would be better of if she just moved on.

But even in her drunken state, Kaylee knew that wasn't going to happen. Because for all he hurt, Simon had the unique ability to make her feel special, and he did it all the time. Little things, little hints that he felt the same way, always managed to pull her back from the brink of discarding him. Of course, it was always after he made her feel special that he managed to hurt her. But that didn't change the fact that as long as she thought there was a chance he wanted what she wanted, she would never be able to move on.

And right now, her humiliation at his rejection still stinging her sharply, Kaylee wanted nothing more than to move on.

Getting to her feet with difficulty, Kaylee considered once more going to find him. Maybe if she yelled at him some more he'd forget any feelings he might have for her, and stop throwing the occasional nice comment her way. Which would mean she would stop obsessing over said comments, and be free to forget about him. As much as you could forget about someone you lived with.

With drunken resolve, Kaylee clambered up her ladder. The first thing she saw was Jayne, who's eyes widened when he saw the bottle in her hand.

"Been havin' a party on your own, lil' Kaylee?" he asked, leering at her.

"Was with Simon," she hiccupped. "But I kicked him out."

Jayne blinked. "Why?"

"'Cause he's got no gorram balls," she answered. "Don't know the first thing about satisfying a woman,"

Jayne smirked. "Well, lil Kaylee… if you're feeling unsatisfied…" He stepped to the side, revealing his open bunk door.

_Hmm, sex would be nice…,_ Kaylee thought drunkenly.

"D'ya think Simon would find out?" she asked Jayne.

"Probably wouldn't like it too much if he did," Jayne answered.

Kaylee smiled. "No. He wouldn't."

She reached out coyly and took Jayne's hand. "Okay, Jayne, you wanna show me where Simon went wrong?"

_I'm here because I'm her doctor, and because I'm her friend._ He repeated this mantra to himself as he strode along the hall to her bunk. Hours had passed, sitting in his bunk feeling himself gradually sober up. As the alcohol fuelled numbness faded, the hopelessness of the situation ground deeper, paining him. So he had decided to stop sitting there in the pitch black, hands pressed against his eyes, head throbbing. And now he was here, at the door of her bunk.

But as he looked down, he saw the door was open.

"Kaylee?" he called down uncertainly.

"Kaylee?" He heard his call echoed by a deeper, more guttural voice, and turned. The voice had been muffled, but near.

"Kaylee?" This time he recognised the voice and location. It was Jayne. His feet carried him unwittingly to the door of the man's bunk, and he listened.

"C'mon, Kaylee, don't fall asleep on me now, can do a deal o' damage to a man's equipment!"

Simon frowned, and then with an unforeseen determination he entered Jayne's bunk.

"What the…?" Jayne yelped.

Simon took in the scene before him in a flash. Jayne, in nothing but his underwear, staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights, was bending over Kaylee's sleeping form. She lay sprawled on the floor, stark naked, a small, almost empty whisky bottle clutched in her hand. _Guess she found what she was looking for_, Simon thought to himself.

"Gorramit, doc, what the hell you think you're doing?" Jayne yelled, his state of undress apparently enough to prevent any immediate violence.

Simon spared him a quick contemptuous glance. "Get dressed," he ordered lightly, before turning his attention back to Kaylee. Whipping off a sheet from Jayne's bed, ignoring the older man's protests and cusses, he wrapped her in it, clicking easily in to doctor mode. He removed the bottle from her hand, tossing it unceremoniously into Jayne's bin, then scooped her up gently in his arms.

"What the hell're you doing?" Jayne slurred at him, but Simon ignored him flatly, a dull anger at the other man thudding through his veins and spurring him on.

Carefully, so as not to bump Kaylee on anything, he ascended Jayne's ladder and climbed down Kaylee's. Stepping over the untouched mess from their own little party, Simon laid her gently down on the bed. She murmured something unintelligible and turned her head, but didn't wake. Silently, Simon covered her in her own blankets and rearranged her pillows to keep her head slightly alleviated. Then, he turned to the room. He quickly stuffed the empty bottles into a bag, along with the contents of her trash can, which he placed, now empty, beside her bed. Just in case. Taking the trash with him to dispose of, he gave her one last, unreadable look, and left her bunk.

Jayne was waiting for him in the corridor, thankfully dressed, and looking none too friendly.

"S'pose you think she's gonna love you again, now you've rode in on your white horse to rescue her."

Simon said nothing, but he recognised a fight when he saw one and he wasn't going to back down.

"But you're wrong," Jayne continued, and he swayed drunkenly where he stood. "You've done pissed her off and she ain't never gonna forgive you."

"I happen to think she'll see sense when she recovers," Simon said evenly.

"She has saw sense!" Jayne barked. "Seen the ruttin' light of day where you're concerned!" He took a drunken step towards him, the intimidating manner somewhat lessened by the stumbling. "Face it, doc. That girl's been pining after you ever since you came on this boat, and you've acted like a pansy and ignored it. So you can play the knight in shining armour all you want, but she ain't gonna forget how much you hurt her. That's what she said."

"She's drunk," Simon said. "She's said a lot of things. And this is none of your business…"

"Listen to me, you spineless little pretty boy, you've lost. You hear me? You had your chance, and you messed up. Why don't you do the girl a favour, and walk away." He sneered down at Simon. "With your dick between your legs."

Simon was silent for a moment, and then took a step towards Jayne. Jayne, looking mildly surprised, stumbled back a bit.

"Why don't you listen to me, Jayne. You can gloat that you've won all you like, but I think if you look at the facts, even you aren't dumb enough to believe Kaylee wants you."

"Came to my bunk, didn't she?" Jayne slurred.

"Yes, Jayne, she came to your bunk. When she was drunk, and angry, she came looking for you, the person who conveniently enough has no morals and was probably willing to spend sometime bad mouthing me. But what about before, Jayne? When has she come to you before?"

"Well… that…" Jayne stuttered.

"She hasn't!" Simon snapped before he could string together a sentence. "Regardless of my feelings for Kaylee or hers for me, she has never come to you! And you've been on this boat a hell of a lot longer than I have."

Simon took another step forward, bringing his face close to Jayne's.

"Surely even a moron like you can see," Simon continued, his voice low but deadly, "She doesn't want you. She was using you. So why don't you just walk away." He placed the flat of his hand against Jayne's chest and pushed him firmly in the direction of his bunk. "With your dick between your legs."

Simon waited until Jayne was halfway down the ladder, before calling after him. "Which, by the way, is where it always is, you idiot!"

Leaning against the ladder of her bunk once more, Simon watched as Kaylee woke, her eyes fluttering open then closed again, a small frown appearing on her face. Feeling he should make his presence known, Simon coughed softly, and approached the bed.

She looked up at him wordlessly, and her eyes, crossed with confusion, widened as the memories of the night before washed over her one by one.

"Oh," she moaned softly, her voice cracked and almost inaudible.

Having seen all he wanted to see, Simon turned from her, retrieving the beaker of water he'd placed beside her bed. "You need to drink this," he said, his tone cool and professional. "Can you sit up?"

Blinking in confusion, Kaylee nodded, but could barely lift her head when she tried. Replacing the beaker, Simon helped her, going through the motions as he had with so many patients before. He placed the beaker in her hand, but her grip was so weak that water splashed over the rim, so Simon guided it to her lips, aiding her to take small sips, all the while refusing to meet her eyes.

"I'm assuming you have a headache," he said in the same, cool voice that sounded nothing like his own.

Kaylee nodded again, her head falling back against the wall. Simon pulled out a syringe he had prepared in advance from his medkit, and with a doctors detachment, he pulled back the covers enough to reveal her arm. Kaylee seem to notice for the first time that she was naked, and her eyes filled with tears. Simon, injecting her carefully with a painkiller, noticed, and looked away.

"Simon…" she murmured. "Why…?"

She trailed off, her voice weak. Simon continued to avoid her gaze, concentrating on his medkit.

"Simon…?" she tried again.

Simon sighed. "I can't talk about it right now," he said in a low voice. "I can't even look at you right now."

The hurt was clear on her face, and even clearer in her voice as she pleaded once more. "Simon…"

"No," he said, silencing her. He held up his medkit, and directed his gaze to the pillow behind her head. "Do you need anything?"

Her lip was trembling. "I need…"

"From the medkit," he elaborated.

There was a pause, and Simon hated it. "Something for the naseua? To help you sleep?" he continued.

A tear finally spilled over her lashes as she shook her head. Simon forced himself to look at her.

It struck him as odd, as he gazed at her, that it would happen like this. As she lay, her face barely poking out of the covers, tear stained with mussed up hair. He had seen her with smiles as bright as sunshine, he had seen her dressed in a fancy gown, seen her naked, for God's sake, and it was _now_ that it hit him how truly beautiful she was?

"It's hot," she murmured, breaking his trance. He watched her struggle to reach the air con switch above her bed, before closing his hand over hers, lowering it and her back down to the bed while flicking the switch himself. She ran her fingers over his, and he pulled his hand quickly away.

She looked at him, her eyes full of pain. He met her gaze unashamedly.

"Is there anything else you need?" asked Dr. Tam

Her eyes narrowed. "I don't need anything from you," she told him. She placed no stress on the word 'you,' but the implication was there.

He nodded curtly, stood up, and without looking at her once, crossed the room and left.

Kaylee found Jayne lifting weights in the cargo bay. The clangs of metal and his grunts seemed louder to her than was natural, but since she'd spent half the day in bed her headache had dulled some, so she gritted her teeth and continued down the steps towards him.

He sat up when he noticed her, apprehension all over his face.

"Good to see you up an' about," he joked awkwardly.

She gave him a weak smile . "I'm gong back to bed soon. Feelin' rough as a badger's arse."

Jayne chuckled. "You was pretty well hammered."

Kaylee sighed. "I was," she said regretfully.

Hesitantly, Jayne reached out and patted her shoulder in a lame attempt to comfort her. Smiling sadly, she pushed his hand away.

"I'm sorry," she said

He shifted awkwardly. "S'okay, didn't pass out on purpose, did ya?"

She pressed her lips together. "I don't mean about that."

Jayne lowered his eyes. "Were just trying to hurt the doc, weren't ya?"

Kaylee closed her eyes. "Yes," she replied, so softly that Jayne saw, rather than heard, her confession.

Jayne shrugged, not meeting her eye. "I done knowed that."

"Jayne…"

"I jus' thought that …maybe…"

She placed her hand on his shoulder, silencing him. "No."

He nodded. "Well, now I know that. Ain't no big deal."

She smiled. "Of course not."

Jayne looked up at her. "So we're good?"

"You betcha," was the reply.

"Shiny."

As Kaylee turned to leave, Jayne called after her.

"If ya don't mind my askin'," he said, "why'd you come find me? Shouldn't makin' up with the doc be your top priority?"

Kaylee looked at her feet. "It's too late for that. I've blown it with Simon."

Jayne bit his lip. "Nah you haven't. Jus' ruffled his feathers is all."

When Kaylee said nothing, he continued. "Go make your peace with him, lil Kaylee. Reckon you owe him that. Since he got you back to bed an' everythin'"

Kaylee nodded, and left Jayne alone with his weights and his thoughts.

Kaylee found Simon in the infirmary. His territory. She stood meekly in the doorway, feeling she had lost the right to enter without his permission, and waited for him to notice her.

He didn't flinch when he did, almost as if he had already forgotten who she was. "Can I help you?" he asked politely, and it stung Kaylee, the lack of concern or compassion in his voice.

"I…er… can I come in?" she asked timidly. She wanted to close the door behind her to stop herself from running away.

Simon sighed heavily. "Kaylee, if you're here to talk, I really don't want…"

"Please," she said loudly, cutting him off. "Please, Simon, I need to say this…"

He folded his arms. "Go on then."

Something was clawing at her insides, trying to get out. Kaylee wavered.

"I'm… sorry," she said, lamely.

"Apology accepted," Simon said immediately, "Now, if you don't mind…" he nodded towards the door, but instead of leaving, Kaylee stepped inside, pulling the door closed behind her.

"Is there something else?" Simon asked tightly.

"Yes there's something else," Kaylee said, frustrated. "Simon, why you gotta make this so hard?"

"I didn't do this!" He snapped back.

"No you didn't," Kaylee agreed. "I got myself into this mess an' now I'm trying to make it right."

"Well, you can't," Simon said shortly, turning away.

"Don't say that…" Kaylee said, feeling her eyes well up and cursing herself for her weakness. "There's gotta be a way I can…"

"No," Simon interrupted. "There isn't." He looked at her, saw the tears in her eyes, and felt some of his anger dissipate.

"Look," he said, and she was relieved to hear his voice was gentle now, "I can't… I just need some time." He looked at her, eyes full of regret. "I'm not sure things can go back to the way they were."

She stepped closer to him. "So how about goin' forward?"

Simon shrugged. "I don't know if I can…"

The tears spilled over at his words. "Simon!"

He closed the distance between them. "Don't, Kaylee, please don't cry… I don't want to be angry at you…"

"Well you should be!" she cried. "I ruined everything an' I ain't never gonna forgive myself…"

Reaching out to hold her arm, Simon shushed her gently. "It's okay. I forgive you."

Blinking back tears, Kaylee looked at him in disbelief. "You do?"

Smiling, Simon nodded. "You were drunk, you were angry, you did a stupid thing, I get it." He brushed Kaylee's hair out of her eyes. "I didn't exactly help matters, did I? I can never seem to put what I want to say into the right words… and I know I hurt you when I say the wrong thing."

Guiding her to sit on the bed, Simon continued. "I just… it really hurt, Kaylee. I've been trying for so long to tell you how I feel, and when I finally did, admittedly very inarticulately, you just…threw it back in my face."

Kaylee nodded sombrely. "I know I hurt you. But... you hurt me too. When you said 'no',"

"I hurt you because I care about you. You were purposely trying to spite me."

A sob escaped Kaylee's lips. "I know. I'm sorry."

Simon sighed. "You're forgiven."

They sat together in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

"Thank you," Kaylee said after a moment.

"For what?"

"For doin' the right thing."

Simon smiled wanly. "Thought you didn't care much for 'the right thing'?"

Kaylee returned his smile tearily. "Yeah, but I'm thinkin' I oughta start listening to you more."

Simon reached out to wipe a tear from her cheek, and without knowing what he was doing, he leaned in and pressed a gentle, lingering, chaste kiss to her lips.

Her smile grew as her eyes reopened. "Was that 'doin' things properly'?"

Simon nodded.

"Yup," Kaylee said, leaning in for another kiss, "I definitely need to start listening to you."

Simon smiled as their lips met once more, just briefly, and then he wordlessly pulled her into an embrace.

"Simon?" she said, her voice muffled against his chest.

"Yeah?"

"Jus' so you know… I care about you too."

Simon tightened his grip on her slightly, breathing out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"Really?"

"Really," she replied firmly.

He kissed the top of her head. "Well, in that case, I guess we could give it a shot."

She looked up at him, her eyes wide. "Yeah?"

Smiling at the apprehension on her face, he leaned down and pressed a third kiss to her lips. "On one condition."

"What?" she asked nervously.

"You can never drink again," he told her seriously.

Giggling, she swatted him. "Deal."

Kaylee gasped as sensation thrummed through her body. "Simon!"

"Mmm?" His lips vibrated against her skin.

"Surely it ain't proper… to… after a week…" she breathed, unable to form a coherent sentence as he peeled of her clothing tantalisingly slowly.

"Probably not," he agreed, planting kisses over her chest and down her stomach.

She writhed as he neared his goal. "Simon! That ain't appropriate!"

He grinned wickedly up at her. "Relationships are all about compromise."

She giggled, her laughter cut short as she felt his tongue gliding over her skin.

"Alls I'm saying is," she gasped, while she still had the ability to talk, "You'd better do this proper."

Simon crawled back up her body, pressing his own bare skin against hers.

"Is that a challenge?" he crooned, nuzzling her as his hands glided over her body.

She couldn't answer. Instead she placed her hands on his hips and guided him towards her, whimpering with need. Simon kissed her tenderly as they fell into position.

"I'll take that as a yes," he muttered, and with those words he joined them.

And later on, as they lay entwined with the bed sheets and each other, and Kaylee's warm, sweaty form collapsed against his own, Simon was forced to admit something.

Sometimes, there was something to be said for doing things that weren't appropriate.


End file.
